Match.com school for dummies, I mean guys.

I think that 90% of the men on Match.com either bought this book or borrowed it from a friend who bought it.

What's actually funny about the title of this book, besides the title, is the word "commonsense".

Common sense should tell you to just be truthful in your ad or profile... (I mean, you ARE eventually going to meet some of these people afterall).

Although I've never read the book and most assuredly never will, I'm sure the chapters go something like this.

Chapter One: Dig through closet and find outdated & somewhat attractive photos. For those of you that aren't really attractive, find someone else's somewhat attractive photo. No magazine clipouts, they're too obvious.

Chapter Two: Choose a catchy headline. Something that doesn't make too much sense, something that reveals too much too soon and for the love of bell bottoms and hip huggers DO NOT misspell INTELLIGENT. If you're unable to do this, just use a quote from your favorite movie.

Chapter Three: Line-up a row of tequila shots in front of the computer screen. Take one shot per 5 minute intervals. Loosen up! Just like in the real world, you're not able to approach that special girl without a drink... chug a lug my friend... and say what you really mean!

Chapter Four: Fill in the fill-ins... or... leave 'em blank! Either reveal way too much about yourself, be completely vague or say nothing at all! Make sure to say "I don't know" or "Not sure" to practically every question. Leave small hints about your job(s) or felony convictions... she's going to google you anyway.

Chapter Five: Preferences. Make sure to list your age several years younger than you are to attract the younger crowd when they do a search. You can tell them how old you really are after they've expressed an interest. Or ... make them extremely suspicious after they meet you and you look like your father! Make sure to put your partner's dating age range much younger than your own. List your income at least $50k higher than it actually is... she needs to know your last name for a background check, so don't worry about it. Use the, "my ex is a psycho" excuse if there are any discrepancies.

Chapter Six: Fill out the "about me" section being, again, very vague... or spill your guts! Again, either mislead your future date into thinking you're something you're not or appear to be quite mysterious! Tell her how funny you are, how you love to take long walks on the beach... travel extensively, barely watch sports and how comfortable you are in a tie or jeans. Be sure to express how much you love kids, even though you haven't seen yours in two years. Dwell on your ex girlfriend or wife... maybe you can even reminisce about the trips you've taken together. Better yet.. include photos!!

Chapter Seven: Who you're looking for... once again, be specific or as vague as you want! Make sure to include how funny, intelligent (spell it right or it's a dead giveaway), if you fail to do this, tell them you were "just checking to see if they noticed". Definitely seek someone you're not equal to. Ask for way more than what will actually compliment you. Reach for the stars my friend! Demand perfection... make it almost impossible for her to live up to your dreamgirl. Or... go in the extreme opposite direction and leave this blank, showing her you'll accept anyone and everyone.. you're not picky!!!

Chapter Eight: Proofread and use spellcheck. Just threw that in there for shits and giggles! Don't you dare spellcheck your profile! You need to know that she's going to accept you for who you are! Do not settle for less!!

Chapter Nine: Email, wink and tease like there is no tomorrow! Listen, you and I both know that only 10% of the ladies you contact are going to respond, so go crazy chief! Fire out those emails and wink in rapid succession! Don't give them time to respond before you send the "why didn't you respond to my wink/email? I saw you online...." ... they love hearing from you. Don't stop... smack that! Be sure to include every single way to contact you in your very first email.. don't leave anything out, the world could end tomorrow and you'd be sorry. Compliment her like she's the only woman you've ever seen in a decade.. or for those of you that are a tad bit shy... just send her a one-liner... like "I like your titties", "yer cute", "your search has ended. I'm your guy" or "marry me?". Although the latter is much quicker, unfortunately you're less likely to get a response.. women love words.. Tell her your entire life story in one email.. then copy it and send it to everyone you contact. You don't want to type that shit every single time you send an email. Form letters are a Godsend!!

*One last bit of handy information for you folks: Use ebonics and slang whenever you can. Shorten your dissertation to a few paragraphs by shortening your words and hell... use acronyms like they're on sale!

I've gone PINK.. and you know why.

I'm a little late going pink. I threatened the change a couple of months ago in tribute to Breast Cancer Awareness. I know that "officially", October is breast cancer awareness month, but I wanted to get a jump start. Speaking of start.. I completed another 5k, see previous post, but as part of a group this time. I won't even bother telling you where in the herd I clocked in (although I don't think we were officially 'clocked') ... just know I started... I finished. Everything I did in the middle is irrelevant. I think I'm just way too social to focus on start/finish and do nothing in between.. I can't help it.. I saw too many people I knew.

As you know, or some of you know... or like, one of you know, I'm a breast cancer awareness advocate. And like last year.. I'll be blogging about boobie stuff for the next couple of months.

I might as well start now.

Here's a little advice. SELF-EXAMINATION. Good God people, you know your breasts better than anyone else... if there is a difference.. even the slightest difference.. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. But you can't do anything about it if you're not touching them!

I was listening to a 6 am radio program Sunday on my way into work as two or three local doctors were talking about breast cancer and how women are focusing too much on breast/cervical /uterine (you know, primarily female stuff) cancers and how very few were concerned with heart disease, although heart disease is the NUMBER ONE KILLER of men AND women. So I guess I should jump on that band wagon as well. But not right now. I'll just shine the pink spotlight for awhile, then hit go RED.

Call my name...

but not when I'm dead asleep and you're a ghost.

This morning I woke up to a man calling my name. He said it only once, but he said it loud. He didn't scream or yell.. he just raised his voice. I jolted up and looked at the clock. It was 8:30 am.

No one was in my room but me. Thing 4 was across the house in his bathroom.

Why would someone want to wake me up at 8:30 on my day off?

Who was it?

I wasn't dreaming about anything in particular.. something about dogtags and trying to order them online. Every time I went to click on "send" on my dogtag order, a pop-up came up right before I hit send and I would end up clicking on the pop-up every time. I was never able to buy the dogtags because the pop-up kept coming up every single time.

Ghost or not... hear this: I'll wake up when I'm damn well ready on my day off!!!

A good cause... and a challenge to you!

You've heard me talk a lot about the Susan G. Komen foundation which is near and dear to my heart... and you'll be hearing a lot more in the next two months. As usual, I'm doing the annual Disney 5k Race for the Cure. This year it's at Disney's Wide World of Sports. There are other central FL race events in St. Petersburg and Daytona Beach, that I'll also be a part of. But this happens to be in my back yard, so there is no reason not to do it. Here is a map of the course.

The 'challenge' that I was talking about in an earlier post is quite simple and rather inexpensive. I think someone got it right when they guessed it had to do with the pink rings. My challenge is to challenge YOU to buy a set of rings ($5), wear one.. and give the other to someone that'll actually wear it (display/wear it proudly). Of course the money goes to a great cause as well..... What I'd like is for you to purchase a set of rings and then take a picture of you.. or your hand.. or whatever you put it on.. and send it to me, so that I can use it for a special post in October. Don't let me down! I'd like atleast TEN of you to do this.... (more the merrier).

CLICK HERE TO BUY. Don't forget to send your photo to me! Lilacsandwine@aol.com